Something Between A Sigh and A Huff of Exasperation

Undoubtedly, this semester is the defining point of my undergraduate career. But no matter how hard I convince myself, there is the annoying voice inside my head which keeps on telling me that I am not meant for this.

This morning, I got up early and desperately attempted to acquire as much knowledge as possible for my research methodology due on Tuesday. Then, I realized how day after day, I was engaged in the same futile search for answers all along: a spark of inspiration, a satori moment that would set this academic undertaking in motion. But then, it never came.

And right now it just sucks, that everything is a constant blur and I don’t know where this is headed — where I am headed. It’s only worse that I don’t even know what I’m looking for. GAAH, I wish I had some sort of proverbial map to life :(

God knows I only wanted to do so much. And only now, I have come to discover that I’ve been a walking paradox all along. In my panicky, high-strung, obsessive-compulsive struggle for carving out my niche in the world, I actually lack the discipline to achieve it. I am a plan, many years in the making that was never set into contruction. I have turned into a miserable example of what not to do with one’s potentials.

I want my life to be an endless photo adventure, going from town to town, from country to country. I want to enjoy waking up in the morning and looking forward to an AWSM day. I want a life where I won’t  dread about paralyzing boats of self-doubt. I want to be a protagonist, who after 40 to 60 minutes of fighting evil and solving problems, I would end up victorious and come away as a whistle with a moral lesson implied.

I have had enough time to prove that I could do all this and yet, here I am, 20 with nothing to my name.

Everything is about to get real in a year or so, and I am still not completely there yet. Only a couple semesters still standing. I have no idea where else to go, so I’ll play my cards anyway as I hone my patience-lengthening skills and bury myself in scientific journals in the most AWSM way possible.

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